Panic Princess

I have this unsatiable desire to travel.  The only problem is I freak out whenver I am away from a safe place, a safe person or familiar surroundings.  For heaven’s sake, I started getting a panic attack the other day just because I was on a hay ride and it seemed like we were getting too far from civilizations (in reality the ride was only like 1 mile around).  There are so many places I want to see and go to and not have to rely on having a safer person go with me.  When am I going to get used to the idea that I am my own safe person?  Does anyone have any ideas on how to do that?  I do use http://fearofflyhelp.com which is an awesome site to help you get over fear of flying. I have some other resources I need to post but that doesn’t solve the problem of being on unfamiliar territory, knowing there are thousands of miles between me and a safe person.  Help!  Anyone use programs specially geared towards traveling abroad?

I want to go to grad school anywhere else and I don’t feel brave enough to be able to do it on my own.  Argh!  I know people who do stuff like this all the time.

I want to get to Europe for a couple of weeks and travel to different cities in the US.  I want to take advantage of doing things like that while I can.  I get Conde Nast Traveller and National Geographic and I get sad reading about and seeing the beautiful places I will never see in person.  Then I stop and think, even for just a moment, I believe that one day I will see those places.  Maybe in my next life, I’ll come back as a travel writer. 

Way back in May I bought tickets to go see Coldplay in St. Paul in November.  I new it would be a big task for me since there would be 10’s of thousands of people there and I gotta tell you I do not play well with others.  :D  Anyhow, I love this band and have heard they are amazing live performers and I just new it would be proper motivation for me to get there and expose myself not only to that huge crowd but also to the road trip I would have to take to get there.  I ended up paying $300 for two front and center floor tickets.  But you see, Minneapolis is about 4 hours drive for me and I couldn never do it alone (at least not yet, someday I WILL!).  Anyhow, my sister was supposed to go with me and now she can’t .  That’s it, end of my Coldplay trip.  I am pissed off at myself, sad, depressed, annoyed, etc but it all comes back to me.  I think if I didn’t have to depend on someone else to get me there I would be just fine.  If I were “normal” I could just do it.  WTF.  I know I shouldn’t think like that but I think we all do and maybe that is our “normal”.  I have not written the last of this yet because I have one more dear friend (at least I hope he still thinks of me that way) that I would like to ask if he could take me.  I will give him the ticket free!  Just so I can get there!  And actually, the friend I’m thinking about asking is one of the only people who knows my issues and I know I can “feel safe” with him.  He’s also one of the only people who will appreciate seeing Colplay live as much as I would.  I will keep you posted.  I am determined to get there!!!

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

You may have noticed that I haven’t blogged for awhile.  I have to admit the reason is that I have had a couple of panic attacks lately.  I have a lot of things going on personally (school starting again, going to move soon, dating, etc…) and I’m sure those are the underlying cause but I feel like a fraud.  I keep thinking, how can I write about overcoming panic attacks when I haven’t managed to do so myself. I get so down on myself when I have a panic attack, which I know I really shouldn’t.  Using the skills I have learned through the various programs, I have managed to cut down on panic attacks almost to the point of not having any at all.  But still, I guess I’m only human and sometimes a panic attack slips through.  Blah.  I keep wondering if I will ever be rid of them altogether.  I’m in a rut so… if anyone else out there has managed to overcome panic attacks altogether, I would love to hear from you.

I have another post in the works about returning to college at the ripe old age of 30 so stay tuned.  I hope to have it up later today. In the meantime, I’d like to ask everyone to send positive vibes, prayers, whatever my way!

OK, maybe it’s not the best idea to be schilling sad poetry to people like us but I have to say, the sadness, humor and the whole jumble of human emotions found in this poetry is actually uplifting for me to read.  Why?  It makes me feel less alone in this, less misunderstood, less…scared. Check it out

you are a little bit happier than i am By Tao Lin

If anyone has used this program and would like to write a review, please let me know.  I would like to make a page for comments/reviews from other users.  If you have experience with other programs, I’d like to hear from you too, I just want to start with this first one and work my way to the others.  Can’t wait to hear back from you all.

Thanks!

V

Well I’m sorry I have been slacking on my blog lately.  I am been all out of whack since going ton vacation and getting ready for school to start again.  Just wanted to write a quick item here about the Linden Method.  I mainly used his principles while I was in Hawaii and the number one weapon against panic attacks for me was the Panic Attack stopper thing he talks about.  I won’t go into too many details, you know that pesky copyright infrigement business and all but it worked during everyone of my is-it-or-isn’t-it-going-to-be-a-panic-attacks (except for 1).  So pretty good.  Basically it states that you are the sole person who is in charge of whether you get panic attacks or not.  You are in charge.  It is YOU.  Sounds cold, callous, or whatever they way I say it but it’s really not.  Anyhow because I believe this is really the best program out there, I’m going to recommit myself to the program.  That is, I am going to redo the program and follow it word for word, step by step.  Anyone else who wants to come along for the ride is welcome.  You can purchase it below:

Well I am sad to say I am back from Hawaii.  The good news about that is that I have once again, faced my biggest fears and I came through the other end just fine!  I am glad to report that upon facing my biggest fears: flying, crowds, unknown areas, being far from home, confinement (airplane), eating odd foods, being far from a safe place, being in extreme heat, etc…. I had only ONE panic attack.  JUST ONE!  For me that is just completely awesome!  I will admit when I had the panic attack, I was really mad at myself for not being able to thwart the attack.  I had been doing such a great job on the plane and in every other situation I can in contact with.  I used the Linden approach to the idea that I am in control of whether I get a panic attack or not.  This approach worked for me everytime except the one time, dammit!  It was a bunch of things that led me to have the panic attack.  I’m not going to go into it right now, maybe my next post but it was just one of those days.  Anyhow, I have to look at the bright side which is 1. I made it there 2, I had an excellent, amazing time 3. I only had one panic attack 4. The way home was very good and hardly had to use any Xanax

OK my faithful kittens, this is just a little bit o blog for you to chew on.  I am going to be posting more about my trip tomorrow along with pics and all kinds of things.

On this trip, I realized there is a whole world out there just waiting for me to come claim it.  It’s up to me.

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Vanessa aka Panic Princess

You Wouldn’t Like Me by Tegan and Sara.  I’m sure we all identifiy.  Perfection.

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